The laments of Tuba and Trombone
by rockstar666hailsatan
Summary: Two old people, on an adventure they'd never have imagined before, with some of the characters from homestuck getting involved too. what could await darlings on their quest? only time will tell
1. Epilogue

**Epilogue: Moray Cup**

Everyone falls off a clip and gets eaten by sassy gay hammers.


	2. Trumpets

**Chapter 1: Trumpets**

Once upon a time there were two very strange old people. They lived in a house which was also a flying balloon wait no it wasn't a flying balloon. But in fact it was a small cottage by the lake. The lake was not filled with water but in fact lemonade. Trombone, the sassy grey old man walked into the living room to find assface's I mean Rachel's decomposing corpse. He thought nothing of it and walked into the kitchen to find his best friend Tuba lying on the floor.

Tuba was also old and had an afro and she was black. She was a sassy huge bitch but she was only a huge bitch to anyone that wasn't Trombone. She was sleeping on the floor because of reasons. Trombone woke her up by pouring lemonade in her ear. He then yelled at her ear because it had lemonade in it and he yells at lemonade. Suddenly Tuba woke up! Also Trombone is gay and asian. And sassy. And a lesbian.

"Trombone!" said Tuba with exclamation marks. "Why did you wake me?" said Tuba again.

Trombone pissed on her then left.

But then he came back. And said this.

"Hello" said Trombone. "Because I am hungry please make me a meal."  
"Ok" said Tuba and left.


	3. Chapter 2: Horns

**Chapter 2: Horns**

Rachel's body was suddenly not a body anymore but in fact Vriska! Vriska woke up suddenly and she was very weirded out and confused and lost. This was not Alternia but in fact….. Earth! She gasped and then got up from the floor and left the house into the kitchen where she found something she did not expect…..

There was something she didn't expect….. It was an old lady with an afro who was making some sausage casserole. Does Alternia even have sausage casserole? We just don't know. She approached the old lady to find out it was none other than Tuba! But she did not know Tuba. Tuba turned around and her eyes turned to beetles. She looked at Vriska with a look of surprise and concern and anger. Then she spontaneously combusted into flames and disappeared out of Vriska's sight.

Vriska gasped and walked out of the cottage balloon and made her way to the lemonade lake. There she saw an angry old asian gay lesbian man shouting at the lake. Little did she know that this day would change her life forever…


	4. Chapter 3: Strings

**Chapter 3: Strings**

Trombone was shouting at a lake the lemonade lake before suddenly he heard someone climb out of the bushes. He found Vriska but he did not recognise her because she wasn't Rachel anymore. Vriska was all like "Hey you where am I?" she said and Trombone was all like "Shut up and where is my meal." said he. Vriska did not understand so she ran away back into the kitchen. Trombone followed on…

Trombone was in the kitchen now with Vriska. Tuba was no where to be seen. Vriska explained that Tuba caught fire and disappeared. Trombone cursed at the bus that drove off because Tuba always did this. Damn it Tuba. His sausage casseorle was not ready yet and he was hungry so he threw lemonade at Vriska and started shouting at her. Vriska was very pissed OFF. She rolled her dice and turned into a muffin. She did not like this one. It had blueberries and raisins and gelato. And strawberry flavoured poolflapes. God damn it said Vriska" said Vrismuffin and she spontaneously combusted into a pile of pee. Trombone cursed because he thought it was lemoande and started shouting again.


	5. Chapter 4: Woodwind

**Chapter 4: Woodwind**

Tuba farted. She was in the woods next to the lemonade lake but away from her cottage balloon house. Wait no its not a bloon. She found some dead wolves and started a camp fire and now she is eating them. Her pet rat Bonshaquitalafondria who was her favourite that had an afro and acted very sassy but was not gay ate some of the wolf too. And then suddenly it died! Tuba started to cry tears of blood because she is emo. Just kidding she cried lemonade. Vriska suddenly jumped from the trees and fell on Tuba but it was ok because Tuba was as big as a whale but as small as a mouse. They started into each others eyes for what seemed like years before Vriska BLUSHED BRIGHT BLUE and separated herself from Tuba's bosom. They both stuttered and blushed and sweated. Tuba then farted and Vriska smelled it and enjoyed it. Vriska was so turned on by this that she ran away because she was scared. Somewhere somewhere hearts were breaking. Because Vriska had a big huge crush on this fat skinny black woman.

Somewhere somewhen someone was watching….. And they were angry.


	6. Chapter 5: Harpsichord

**Chapter 5: Harpsichord**

Tuba reminisced about the past and Vriska's face whe they fell on each other when Vriska was in a tree. She thought about Vriska and she could not stop thinking about. Why was she so turned on by Vriska and her own farting? We just don't know.

Suddenly an owl appeared and it had 413 eyes. It gave a letter to Tuba and then left. But it died before it could leave because Tuba's stench from her fart was still there and only Tuba, Tbombome and Vriska were immune because they are all trolls. The owl was dead.

Tuba took the note letter and opened it. It read as follows:

_"My name is Dumbledore just thought I should let you darling know that you have been accepted into Hogwarts school of bitchcraft and bullshittery. Meet me in the bathroom in 10 minutes."_

Tiba was shocked.


	7. Chapter 6: Cor anglais

**Chapter 6: Cor anglias**

Trombome suddenly came out of nowhere and peed all over the ltter making it unreadable and tuba forgot what she had to do in 20 minutes or whatever she did not remember. She ate the letter. It was covered in piss but she didn't care. She had giant rat pets what the fuck would she care about a letter covered in piss. She made out with Trombone and then bitch slapped him and said "Thank you for that tasty treat" she said and then left.

Trombone suddenly there was giant cat. And tronboe was very happy about this. And then the giant cat fell into the lemonade lake. And then Dumbledore fell into the sky. Then the house turned intoa jet and flied to Sweden. Now they live in Sweden where Hogwarts school of birth craft and bullshitttery was. Tuba then remembered what she had to do… What her purspose in life was…. It was all clear now. Tuba was a witch wizard troll. And Trombone was the overlord of all cheese wotsits with magic hats so he had to attend the school too. Even though they were both fifty something. Vriska was also a wizars so she had to do it too.

This is where the adventure REALLY begins….


	8. Chapter 7: Lemonade

**Chapter 7: Lemonade**

They attended hoebarts. They went to the gr8 hall and have tio get sorted into a house. They sat down. The hat thatt sorted them into houses told them to come up one by one…

"Tuba" said hat "You are in….EVERY SINGLE HOUSE ever because you are that awesome so is Trombone."

Tonrone also walked up to the hat and got sorted into that house too.

It was then vriska's turn. She put the hat on and she was sorted into this hussie.

"Vriksa…" said the hat "You are in house…. HUFFLEPUFf!"

Vriska gasped very loud and audibly. She didn't want Hufflepuff no one likes them god FUCKING DAMN IT. She walked over to a table and look at Tuba and she was infatuated by tuba because Tuba was hot. Tuba also looked at Vriska at her bench which was for every house ever with ~Trombone and looked at Vriska's eyes with saddedness and lust. They quickly looked away from each other. Tuba got a boner.

Head master Dumbledore appeared. He didn't like Gryffindor anymore because the house Tuba and Trombone were in was the best house now so points to them.

Vriska was sad. She wanted to be in the same house with her love interest. But she was not. She sat down and sighed deeply loud and look to her left and saw someone she wanted to be friend with but would never admit because she is tsundere. It was none other than….. GAMZEE.

Gamzee was high so he didn't give a shit so they became friends fast. Awesome.


	9. Chapter 8: Coke

**Chapter 8: Coke**

Gamzee and Vriska became best friends and they would always skip classes and get high together that's why the title is called coke. They were one day getting high in the girls bathroom when suddenly Tuba walked in and Vriska gasped because it was her crush. Tuba pulled her skirt up and revealed her big black woman dick. She proceeded to piss in the sink. Vriska was so turned on by this she left. Tuba didn't realise her crush was there so she was very embarrassed so she put her cock away and left too. Gamzee was left on his lonesome smoking pot in the toilets which was for girls but he was a guy.

Gamzee walked in a hall when suddenly a wall disappeared before his eyes and then he got naked. He explored the disappeared wall chamber secret passageway and found a body lying dead on the floor. But it wasn't dead. He found Liv Tyler. But it was secretly Tavros in a liv tyler mask. They made hot yaois together and became the school's biggest otp ever. But little did they know that this was all planned…..


	10. Chapter 9: Monster

**Chapter 9: Monster**

Good.


	11. Chapter 10: Pepsi

**Chapter 10: Pepsi**

Tavros and Gamzee are dating and everyone is jealous because they are the most cute couple ever. Vriska only just found out not long ago… hse feels betrayed by Gamzee because 1. He didn't tell her shit 2. She also liked tavros 3. She had a very bad case of the vapors. She sighed and ran to the tiolet and cried because she didn't want to face gamzee again. She took lots of drugs then. Suddenly Trombone walked into the girls bathroom and took out his vagina and peed in the sink. Then he took out his penis and pissed all over the mirror and then he turned around to see vriska there and he peed on her by accident. He thought it was lemonade so he shouted at her and left. Dumbledore then arrived and got vriska in trouble because she was 1. Covered in piss and 2. Taking drugs and 3. Not at class. Also 4. She had not been laid yet. She got detention instantly. Dumbledore left.

In class Tuba was making potion. She sighed deeply and made potion. She took out a book that was banned from school because it was so dangerous and she used it to make a love potion and she thought to herself man I am gonna score with vriska with this. Suddenly Dumbledore caught her out! He found the book and gave her detention too. But she still had the potion and left to go to detention to use on vriska but she didn't know Vriska would be there.


	12. Chapter 11: 7UP

**Chapter 11: 7up**

Vriska and Tuba gaped at beachgoer. They didn't know they would be caught like this. It was time to have detention and they were both pulling boners but they didn't wanna admit it. They sat down on opposite ends of the room and looked away from each other. The teacher Doc Cratch which was also a dog walked in and sat on the desk and kept an eye on them. Vriska and Tuba would catch each others eye contact for what seemed like centuries when it was really only a few seconds. They both really like each other but why wont they go out? Doc scratch knew they liked each other but he was gonna cock block them. Vriska threw a note at Tuba and then suddenly doc scratch dog grew lazers out of his eyes and burned the note. Tuba was very sad. Suddenly detention finished and they both went their separate ways. Thinking about each other…..


	13. Chapter 12: Lilt

**Chapter 12: Lilt**

Trombone was jealous of Tuba and Gamzee because they both had love interests. Suddenly he bumped into someone in the hallway and dropped all his books.  
"Ouch " he said as he fell into the floor in slow motion. He suddenly looked up at the person who bumped into him and it was a guy with sunglasses.  
"Sorry" said the guy" My name is Dave let me . Get that for you." said Dave as he bent over seductively and picked the books up for Trombone. Trombone blushed. And he got his books back.  
"Thank….." said Trombone as he blushed some more and looked down at his feet. Dave grabbed his chin with his finger and looked him in the eye through his sunglasses. Wow….. Thought trombone, thinking this guy was so cool.  
Dave smiled which caused trombone to blush more "Your welcome" said dave as he walked off…..  
Trombone couldn't think straight for the rest of the day


	14. Chapter 13: Catherine

**Chapter 13: Catherine**

NSFW! DON'T LIKE DON'T READ IT'S YAOI.

After destroying the Death Star, they left Hogwarts school of wizard bitches. Tuba and Vriska LEFT TOGETHER but they are not going out god damn. Gamzee didn't want to leave Vriska but he also didn't want to leave Tavros. He decided to go with Vriska. But before that, he had to say a special goodbye to Tavros….  
Gamzee pushed tavros into a closet and locked it from the inside. He pushed tavros on the wall and took his clothes off and grabbed his dildo and made tavros jizz. He then took out his reallY BIG CLOWN DICK and put it up tavros's butt. But before he did that he had to get lube but there was none so he used SOPOR SLIME from his pies that he had capchalouged. Tavros mewled like a kitten taking a bath. Then they were done.

As gamzee left with vriska, tavros slipped inside the suitcase of Gamzee's stuff because he could fit in it because he had no legs.  
Trombone on the other hand was very sad because he didn't get to confess to dave that he liked dave. Dave found him before he left and they made love on a bed. They took off each others clothes and then grabbed each others penises and they did it slow and lovely and very carefully because it was Trombone's first time. Trombone jazzed ans then Dave did too. They were so happy but then Trombone had to go suddenly. Dave cried.


	15. Chapter 14: Ariana

**Chapter 14: Ariana**

The skies burnt a blue colour, the clouds were like marhsmallows and the birds sang songs that were like 6 years old but still sexy. One of the birds was singing sucking too hard on your lollipop by mika.  
Tuba was sleeping on the couch. Vriska walked inot the room and gasped. This was the perfect oppurtiny to make out with her but instead she lied down beside her and they slept.  
Suddenly Tuba woke up a few hours later and found herself cuddling into Vriska. Gasp she did and then got up quickly and suddenly. She could not believe she was cuddling up to Vriska. When did vriska even get there? Nobody knows.  
She left and went to kitchen to make some sausage casserole because it was her favourite meal. Trombone walked in all awesome and took some sousages and ate them.  
"Why re you so happy?" asked said Tuba  
"I got laid" said Trombone and left.

Tuba was shocked because he didn't think Trombone as a slut. He was so pure and innocent. What happened to him? God damn it Trombone you raging whore.  
Trbome was hurt so he went to the new lake they had which was made out of sweet and sour sauce. Because they moved house. He couldn't belive he had to leave Dave even though it was such a happy ending. He got his number but he was too scared to call him. What ever would he do?  
Gamzee put his suitcase on the bed and then he opened it to unpack but suddenly tavros was there but he was not breathing because there was no air holes in the suitcase. Gamzee revived him with a kiss and they had sex. Then they smoked some pot and sopor. It was a good day for Gamzee.


	16. Chapter 15: Sarah

**Chapter 15: Sarah**

Trombone took out his phone and began to scroll through his contact list. He was friends with Dumbledore and sonic the hedgehog so he could call them whenever. He suddenly found dave on his contact list and gasped. Did he want to call him? What would he say…. Dave took his virginity and it was very awkward now because they were still dating but they never talked or met up with each other. Truly a tragic story. Trombone sighted deeply and pressed the call button and called Dave. Dave answered the phone.  
"Hello" said dave "Who is this?"  
Trombone started to blush and cry "it's me Dave" said Trombone "Trombone. Do you want to….." he started to strutter. "Go to the movies?"  
"Ok said dave" and hung up.  
Trmbone was over the moon… he was going to be going to the movies with Dave his lover and he was nervous. Suddenly he needed clothes. He went to find Tuba.  
Trombone walked into the sight of Tuba and Vriska playing strip poker. Tuba was winning obviously. Vriska only was wearing a bra and panties and Tuba was only wearing all her clothes. Trombone laughed because these two hadn't fucked yet. "Tuba" said trombone all serious. "We must go to the shop…. I have a date with Dave."  
Vriska made a face because dave was an asshole she thought. Tuba nodded and left. They both left.


	17. Chapter 16: Lucy

**Chapter 16: Lucy**

There is a time for everyone where you all feel like shit and useless. This moment Vriska felt useless. Tuba her crush and Trombone left to go shopping for clothes for Trombone to wear on his d8 with Dave…. She was jealous, admitted Vriska to herself as she sat in her bedroom locked in her bedroom eating ice cream and gelato and drinking sopor. Suddenly Gamzee knocked on the door. "MotHeRFuCkEr" said Gamzee for the first time in this story. "ArE YoU aLL uP AnD ok In ThIs BiTcH hoNk?" he asked. Vriska was now sobbing into her ice cream making it tear flavoured. Her tears were blue. Gamzee bust the door open because he has the power. They talked for hours about their feelings in the ice cream gelato pile and vriska was very appreciative of Gamzee's advice….. They suddenly became moirails. Truly a friendship this strong would never need not break. Vriska suddenly had a new found confidence in herself. Gamzee urged her to confess to Tuba in the words "confess MOTHERFUCKER or be annihilated by THE HANDS OF SATAN honk HOINK" but Vriska wasn't scared of the fact Gamzee didn't have sopor so they hugged in the gelato and then vriska left to confess. Leaving a lonesome Gamzee to dwell in his soberness and then he left too to fuck Tavors.


	18. Chapter 17: Angelina Joe Lee

**Chapter 17: Angelina Joe Lee**

Tuba and Trombone were walking down the street to go to the shop where the clothes were when suddenly this person blocked their way. It was a very large woman with one really big boob and one little boob. She wasn't wearing a bra and had a lot of facial hair. Her beard was very big and it was santa's beard she had white hair and she was as pale as the moon. "tuba!" yelled this mysterious woman. Tuba suddenly recognised her as….. Her old lover from her college days when she was a reckless teen….. She got together with this lady called angelina Joe Lee who was a lesbian. Through this relationship tuba found out she liked girls more than guys. Suddenly Tuba thought about Vriska… she must not know of her dark secret love life. Suddenly she grabbed Trombone and they went to the shop and got clothes and left as quick as sonic the hedgehog's speed (which is really fast!).  
If Vriska ever found out she dated Angelina joe Lee then she would also find out she was a secret WORSHIPPER OF SATAN. And that must be kept secret… Tuba and Trombone got home and then watched TV. Vriska walked into the room. She and Tuba had eye sex for what seemed like years before Trombone cock blocked them by talking about his clothes and d8 with dave soon to come up. Suddenly the window smashed open and Angelina Joe lee busted into the house and then she had a gun! "Get on your hands and knees" said she as she pointed the gun at them all. Tuba and trombnegh got on their knees but Vriska did not. "who is this cunt?" asked Vriska as she rolled her dice and turned into Bowser. She then destroyed Angelian Joe Lee with her fire breathe. Suddenly she turned back into Vriska and fainted. Tuba got from her knees and hand and woke up Vriska and held her in her arms.  
"Vriska….." said Tuba "That was my old lover, thank for saving me….. I-"  
Sudennly she was interrupted by a big bang. They all went outside to investigate.  
The ground shook and there was a meteor in the ground… The ground stopped shaking and suddenly they saw it… and pooped themselves.


End file.
